February 5th 2026 - Me and my lack of site updates!!! :D

Recently, I've been thinking about how I often have these long periods of time in which I dont make any updates to my site. I'm just going to list them:

- I don't think I like the way my site looks or flows anymore, so I'm discouraged from working on it as-is. I'm going to change a lot of things. (That's another thing, I feel like I say "I'm going to" a lot and then I never actually do anything with it).
- I feel like I'm kinda bad at writing things. Either that, or I just don't have much to say and I'm trying to make the site appear more full than it really is?
- The whole followers and likes thing on Neocities profiles is somehow pressuring me and making me feel like I don't have much compared to other people. Honestly I shouldn't even be worried about that, this site was never meant to be that kind of thing anyway. I might even turn off the profile soon.
- Okay actually I think that pretty much sums it up. I think it all really boils down to comparison and fear of judgement. Silly!!

P.S. Actually now that I think of it, I guess sometimes it does feel like a poor representation of myself.
Whatever, I'm making changes right now anyway.

September 9th 2025 - Writing my Dreams

I've started writing my dreams down in a dedicated journal when I wake up. Though I only do it when I have the energy to write when I first wake up, so there's only two as of now.

My dreams don't even make sense really, but I think most people are like that. Because of this, it's hard to describe what exactly is happening. It's often the case that two different things are happening at once in a way that feels like one thing happened when I wake up. It's also very weird how the image of dreams can feel so real when they're happening, but when you try to look back on it, everything has this blur on it.

Here's the second dream I wrote in this dedicated journal:
Memory of dream: 8/10
I dreamed that I was just starting college and I was walking around the campus doing what I needed to do. I knew I needed to get a student ID from the building that handles those things since everyone except me had one. Somehow, though, I didn't get in trouble for being on campus without an ID, even though I was worried I would during the dream.

When what I'm guessing was some kind of new student orientaion ended, I saw an old friend I haven't spoken to in a long time and we walked together. For some reason he was studying something about bugs I think? Something about nature. He needed the school to give him something so he could grow a plant or something. We walked around the campus catching up and of course as people always do he dropped the line about "college is different from high school... it's going to be a lot harder." He talked like he'd already been going to college for a year or so, and in my dream he had been, while I was just starting out, even though he was just at the orientation thing with me.

The campus was really white and gray. Kinda sterile and depressing, a reminder that this is the start of different, more depressing life.

The student center was initially surrounded by greenery. When we went in I waited with some girl (part of me wants to say she was an obnoxious girl from fifth grade) in the waiting chairs along the back wall, instead of getting an ID made. It was like I completely forgot what I came for. My old friend came back from one of the desks with a woman at it and brought this pepper-shaker sized container with a red lid that had brown powder with white chunks inside it. The white chunks were either supposed to attract some kind of bug or grow some kind of plant after a few weeks. When my friend said "weeks" I jokingly said "years" but just looked at me like I'd cursed his whole family.

After that all three of us (My friend, the girl, and I) left the building and suddenly the campus was no longer surrounded by greenery but and ocean instead. No one thought it was unusual, not even myself. We got in a little rowboat by a dock just maybe 10 feet from the student center. To leave campus you had to cross the sea that surrounded it (never mind the fact that there was a forest before).

Then my dream ended. I actually drew some pictures of some things from this dream: The container with the red lid, a view of the student center interior, and a map of the front of campus, where the student center was located. This actually isn't the first time I've drawn something from my dreams (its the second), nor is it the first time I've written about my dreams. But now I have a dedicated journal for this, so expect more entries here about the dreams I have.

July 25th 2025 - Animal Crossing Page

It really doesn't feel like the Animal Crossing page has had a lot of love put into it. It was one of the first pages I made and I initially intended to use it as a journal for the goings-on in my town in the game. But it quickly turned out that writing anything much of substance is rather difficult when it comes to this game. Ever since, it's been used to hold screenshots (which i rarely even add).

I've had the idea to revamp it for a while but I haven't been able to settle on how exactly.

July 23rd 2025 - June Absence

I haven't updated anything in a while, but I've been wanting to write here. I just haven't had the motivation to do so.

"Recently" (It's been a little while now) I went to a really cool place. It was a store that just sells electronic things, and they have TONS of them. Right as I walked in I felt almost like I was at my great-grandparents' house again because of all the interesting old things around. Unfortunately I didn't buy anything (they were an hour from closing anyway - not nearly enough time to make a decision for me), but I hopefully will soon.

The store actually seems to be pretty well known. I didn't realize until later, but the store has been around for a long time apparently. When I went back for a second time, I found out that they have events almost every month where they teach people about different electronic things.

July 7th 2025 - Magical Mind Box

I wish I could extract feelings and images from my mind and turn them into something tangible. There are things I think about that I just have no clue how to realize or convey to others.
I think many people, if not everyone, has had this feeling before. Maybe it's also why people like things like ai because it's an easy way to closely satisfy that desire. I think people like the fact that they can put in 0.1% of the effort and achieve a picture or a text that closely resembles what they picture in their minds. Even though the end result is ugly dogshit and would look/read 10x better if they put their own hands to use.
And I hate how people don't realize how harmful this stuff is. I think the effort and thought you put into making something is what makes something matter. It's not always about the end result and how aesthetically pleasing it is.
Ai does not make art "accessible" it boils it down to only its aesthetic value (which is why fascists love it so much). It's just a way to cheat the process of actually creating something.
Anyway, I wish I could allow someone to experience these images and environments in my mind, and I wish I knew how to perfectly reproduce them! I should draw more.

May 30th 2025 - Gifts

My friend got me a really nice pair of heels as a gift! I really like them. They are the typical black stiletto style, but I love them so much because they're my first pair that only belong to me. I feel so womanly when I wear them. The only issue is that I need some other clothes to go with them (My feminine wardrobe is still in its very early stages :/ ).

It's interesting how my dysphoria always seems to peak during summer. I think it has to do with having fewer things to worry about, like school. It's always during summer when I desperately want feminine clothes and things like that. Hopefully I can get some, and finally try to determine what styles I like wearing...

My mom also got me a record of Japanese Girl by Akiko Yano, which is a record I heavily associate with high school (and geometry class for some reason), since I found it my first year of high school and listened to it sporadically over the years. This album is also the first one listed on my "listening to" page for this reason.
The record hasn't arrived yet, but I'm extremely excited because the only records I have are ones that once belonged to my parents or grandparents. I think it's really cool that sound can be stored physically like this and that we've been doing it for so long.

May 26nd 2025 - Voice Dysphoria

I used to be able to sing.
But then my voice changed.
It's harder now.
To get your voice to sound the right way.
Even if I like the range.
Highs are harder. And some notes in between come out raspy.
Did I do something I wasn't supposed to?

May 22nd 2025 - Graduation!

Today I am graduating high school!! I am kinda worried about what comes next, but at least this is over.

May 13th 2025 - Minecraft Nostalgia

This is just going to be me recounting my history with Minecraft. A lot of details are very foggy and vague in my mind, but this is the most detailed way I've thought about all of this in probably forever.

I first played Minecraft when I was 7 or 8 years old. But, before that, I didn't understand why every other kid around me always talked about it. My best friend was always saying I should get it, and though I can't remember my exact response, I think I always just told him I wasn't interested or something. Yeah, something like that, even though I probably just didn't know what they were talking about. On the contrary, I would always watch the older kids at the summer daycare playing it on their iPads, too interested to look away. Eventually I caved in and decided I did want it in the summer of 2014. I begged my mom until she finally walked into the living room saying "Alright, you want to get Minecraft?"

At that time Minecraft Pocket Edition was in version 0.9.0 or so. There wasn't much to do and there weren't many mobs in the game as there were on the computer edition at the time. But I wasn't yet aware of that. In my first world, I went around the entire world replacing every block with yellow terracotta, thinking it was like gold. When an older kid gave me access to the daycare's wifi, I would try to join the worlds I had seen those kids play on, but they would either leave the world, kicking me out, or yell at me to leave in an annoying tone, almost every time.

There was also a world called "eggheads" in which I remember building a sponge castle with what I imagined to be school cafeteria inside. Around it were a bunch of other ugly buildings you can imagine a 7 year old building on a flat world. I don't really know why I called it "eggheads", but I think it had something to do with this object or character from a Penguins of Madagascar game on the Leapfrog Leapster Explorer I had. The world had nothing to do with that thing, I guess I was just thinking about it for some reason.

I remember after I had gained this love for Minecraft and returned to school, there was this kid who tried to convince me there was a version of Minecraft for the Wii. I would always talk to him about it, asking if there were different blocks. He would always reply affirmatively, until one day at lunch when he told me "yeah, it was all a lie." The reason I was so interested was because I had also been gifted a Wii for the Christmas of 2013 and was always playing on it. I'm still unhappy about him leading me on like that for what may have been a month or two, but felt like the whole school year to my child mind.

In the summer of 2015, I had my first experience on an MCPE server thanks to this one older kid who said a lot of bad words at that daycare. He introduced me and my best friend at the time to the LifeBoat server. This was prior to the xbox integration that Bedrock edition has now, so you had to login by typing in the chat before you could do anything. From the main hub, I remember there being four games, one of them, The Walls, dysfunctional for a long time. I usually played survival games and spleef. I miss spleef. I became addicted to playing online on MCPE, since I didn't even know it was possible before then. This was also the first time I discovered you could download skins or make them yourself. I'm realizing this was also my entryway into using the internet by myself, since I started going on planetminecraft to look at skins without my mom knowing. That soon turned into looking at YouTube Minecraft videos and looking up even more servers to play on.

Playing Minecraft online was also my first experience being perceived as a girl online. Mind you, I was not a girl yet. Knowing what I know now, I think this was a pretty obvious early sign of not being totally gender-conforming, as I don't remember anything else that could have motivated me to just decide to play as a girl online. I went onto planetminecraft and found a skin I liked and would play on servers with it and a really stupid username that I will not share :/ . In Minecraft, I pretty much had two versions of myself. I never played as a girl when I wasn't by myself at home.

Somehow, I found this service on the internet that allowed people to run their own pocket edition servers. Each IP address was formed with a series of numbers that preceded the service name. Something like 123907.servicename.net I think. I wish I remembered the service's name (I think it started with an L or had the word "live" in it?), because just by finding some of these addresses I was able to make my first and only online friends (or acquaintances, depending on how you see it). I just joined this one flat world server and the owners never questioned it, and I played on that particular server for a while, becoming friends with the few people on there. It was a creative world, and we built statues of each other and houses together. I also remember going on LifeBoat and inviting one person onto that server, and she became a regular as well.

I think there were multiple of these servers actually, because there was another world in which there was this guy whose iPad spacebar didn't work SoHeTypedLikeThis. I'm not really sure how I became friends with these people the way I did, but that's usually how it goes with friendships I form. I can't remember all the details.

This online activity ended when my mom found me suspiciously trying to hide the Kindle Fire. When she opened it and saw the chat of the other people, she yelled my name from downstairs saying "WHAT. IS THIS?" I was running down the stairs desperately, repeatedly shouting "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!!" because I knew she didn't approve of online interactions like this. My Kindle was put into parental controls mode, and I wasn't allowed to touch the Kindle or anything Minecraft related (not even the books, for some reason) for a while. I never spoke to anybody online again since then. Who knows, maybe some of those people were some creeps. But I was never stupid enough to outright say my address or my name. I think my mother may have been a little too dramatic with her protection like that, but I understand her perspective. She didn't want bad things to happen to me. But when I look back at that event, I find it interesting how that really is the reason I can't talk to people through the internet very confidently anymore, even though it's been so long (It's not like my social life in the non-digital world is filled with confidence either anyway). I've actually been trying to change that by making this website, but I haven't made any progress it seems.

During this period of time when my Kindle was stuck in parental controls mode, I was very scared to talk to my mom about Minecraft, because I'd assume she'd interrogate me on if I was online again. The kindle wouldn't let me update the game either, for some odd reason, so I was stuck in an outdated version of Minecraft for about a year. Because of this, the summer of 2016 was spent (in terms of Minecraft) in a world called "Pig City", in which I transformed a regular village into a rainbow pig themed city. It was more like a park, since it had random rollercoasters and other bullshit everywhere. While everyone around me at that same daycare was able to update their game and get new mobs and stuff, I was stuck there, building rails and pigs.

I really wish my younger self wasn't so stupid with how I handled my world files though. I had a habit of deleting worlds my friends and I worked on. We built entire cities and then I would say something like "We have to learn to let go :(" for no reason and delete the world. If there was a way to see those worlds again, I would do it in an instant. We spent ENTIRE SUMMERS on some of those worlds.

I remember one of them from 2017 was called "Springy Hills" (despite it being a flat world). We later changed the name to "Awesome Town" because Springy Hills sounded weird. The picture with the weird green skin on the gamescreenshots page was taken in this world. Each person who joined the world built at least one house (usually more than one for most people if we're being honest). And these houses were not your ugly diamond houses, these had some more depth to them (at least in our minds) We had a whole road system and we built statues of each other's skins. There wan't any sense of organization to this place, so buildings didn't always look good near each other (that's the charm of these old worlds). One time, my friend was really upset with the rest of us, and he walked far far away. When we eventually made up, we established a second city where he ended up. That second city had more of theme of red and white I think, at least until this one jackass blew up our houses there.

In middle school, my friend and I would play Minecraft in the waiting area before school. This world was another flat one full of random stuff and a very small sense of organization. The world was loosely separated into multiple districts like Wolf District and the Fox District. I actually still have a copy of this world, because by this point I had learned not to delete worlds that were precious to me (...for the most part). In fact, here are a few pictures of it:


The hospital in the Fox District


A Tree Castle


Snowman on a fireball that is actually an alien spaceship


One of my houses that is actually a design I remembered using in Awesome Town


Farmhouse made of concrete


The first building in this world


A building from a Keralis tutorial video


A library


A house made of wood in a style I've used since the Pig City days


Rainbow Pig, the mayor of Pig City, makes his appearance in Doodle County, standing on the tree castle

In 2020, I remember making a survival world on my xbox with my brother. We lived in a taiga biome in a village we built. One day we decided to build a cobblestone wall around it like it was a castle. I remember spending lots of time traveling by boat to faraway locations in order to get certain items. That was until I decided to enable cheats and just start doing /give. But it was pretty good-looking place. Unfortunately, it was one of those worlds I decided to delete, probably because I felt the original soul of it had been erased when I turned cheats on.

After that world, I began working on what would later become Inimoa. I won't talk about Inimoa here so much because I have a whole encyclopedia I'm working on for that. However, the early days were interesting. I started by building things from tutorial videos. This is was during the time in my life when I was very fixated upon Japanese things, so every building had that kind of style. This was when I built fish village and the castle nearby. Since this was still on the xbox, my brother and I built everything by hand, no commands. It was really tedious. At one point my friend (before she was really my friend) really disliked me, and she threatened to blow everything up. I remember being very worried about that and kicked her from the world each time she tried to join after that.

When I got Java Edition, I completely stopped using bedrock edition. I converted the worlds I still had to Java edition. Eventually, the only world I played on was Inimoa.

I probably talked too much. I mostly meant to focus on the things I miss from Minecraft's pocket edition days. Pocket edition and the memories I have of it will forever be held dearly in my heart, despite the turmoil going on in my life around that time :/. ALSO NEVER DELETE THE WORLDS YOU SPEND TIME AND EFFORT ON!!!!!!!!! KEEP BACKUPS!!

May 13th 2025 - Page Creation

I have created a journal page. I don't know how often I'll really use it. If there are ever so many entries that the page is too long, I might sort each entry by year and into drop-downs. Maybe I'll redesign the look someday too, but maybe not.